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Sometimes I wonder if I really believe in God, or is it just me thinking I believe in God. Then I realize that's Satan's clouding my judgement and I quickly start to pray. This passage really...well...slapped me across the face today.
This morning started off horrendously. I was up at 12AM, attempting to do my homework, but I didn't understand it. Like...it just didn't make sense to me. Calculus became a lost cause; Physics was no better; Biology just didn't compute in my brain; English was just...Hamlet's confusing, that is all. As if it couldn't get any worse, my friend whom I asked for help with my DECA paper, made a few changes that basically...well...changed my entire paper. I was so frustrated because that's not how it was supposed to be; I made certain I didn't repeat my mistakes back at Internationals and he basically just dug them all up. I was so frustrated, lost and angry that I began to cry. I didn't complete any of my homework and I just cried.
Come this morning, I found out I failed my physics test. With a 40%. You would think that if the class average is like a low 60, the teacher would think there's something wrong? Nope. She just makes it harder and harder, doesn't review, can't teach, and well, it got me so upset. I was crying at school for two periods. My friends all had something to do, and I decided to clear my mind. It was snowing outside and I basically spent my lunch period standing in the cold, listening to Hillsong United's I Heart Revolution, and praying with two people over the phone. I couldn't believe it. With my current mark, I don't meet university standards for any of my program. I need over a 75% and well, I'm at a 60% at the moment. I was devastated.
I asked God constantly; Why? I used to be a 90 student. My averages were 90-96% from grade 9 to 11, and come grade 12, I can't even maintain a 70. It's heartbreaking to think I wasted about $300 of my parents, applying to university when I can't even buy a pair of new shoes to replace my old, broken ones. We're so tight on money, its ridiculous.
Then this passage...well, God is basically saying, by faith, I can do anything.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." [Hebrews 11:1]
Sure, I can't see God, but I believe, despite what Satan says. Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham and many more dedicated their life because of faith. It was by faith they did all those things for the Lord; by faith they saved, conquered and brought humanity to where it is today. I think my favorite part of this devotion was verse 6.
"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." [Hebrews 11:6]
Throughout that lunch period, people I called and texted were constantly saying, marks don't matter; God loves you; it's in God's plan; God will be faithful; God won't harm you; It'll work out. And I constantly said no, nothing matters. I'm not going to get into university, and I'm better off as dead. I don't want to go into engineering anymore, I might as well work at McDonalds or something. I was just a mess. I got home and looked into the mirror. I was a mess! But God proved himself faithful, and I just pray that by faith, God will bless his servant. He has shown me that he, no matter what, can make himself known.
By faith, I can do anything, because it's in God's will, and he certainly testified today that he is in control. I just pray that I will be able to at least get a 75% for my physics mark. Right now, I am considering night school and well...I don't want to go [it's late at night, dangerous, etc], but if it's in God's will, I'll go. I don't know what his plan is, but by faith, I'll trust in him. By faith, I'll do whatever it takes to just have him work in my life. By faith, I know I can depend on him. By faith, I can do anything.
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Because God is great, he will be sought; Because God is good, he will be found.
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