numbered.

I am continually thinking about this and realizing this, that everything is numbered, and once there were firsts, but now comes lasts. From prom, to last SNA, to last worship practices, numbered nights in that bed, numbered days before university, everything is slowly wrapping up.

I can't take it. Thinking about it recently, i feel like everything is picking up too, but at this late late hour. Im finally starting to truly enjoy myself, have fun, feeling welcomed and accepted, but May 26th of my final year? Any later? Just being around the grade 10s today at AGAPE was exhilarating, they are full of energy and potential, they're kind, sweet, funny, and fun, and it hurts thinking about their absence next year.

I feel like a whirlwind is about to pick up, i don't know whats going to happen, who I'm going to lose, who I'm going to keep, what God is trying to teach me, or what the final results will be. Im scared, I'm nervous, I'm not ready, but putting faith in God.

I think this upcoming transition between high school and university will be another test, just like SNA and ACUPE, another lesson to put my faith in Christ. He knows best. Although everything is numbered, he's here for me and with me at all times.

⁷ 

Since no one knows the future,    who can tell someone else what is to come?

Ecclesiastes 8:7 

opportunity awaits.

its frustrating when you work hard and you plan something just to see it not be appreciated. Tonight at AGAPE, we had careers night, and it was planned, the guests were there and the sessions were going about it, but it was a bit disappointing to see people just sitting and loafting. I tried to get them to move along, but why would they listen to me anyways. Eventually i gave up. I realized that i've done all I can. I've prepared and presented them with the opportunities to look, to learn, to experience, but its up to them to take and size the opportunity or not.

Its the same with our Lord. He presents us with opportunities and chances all the time, its up to us to firstly see it and acknowledge it, and second take it in and seize it. God has so much planned for us, so many blessings and gifts for us, but we have to learn to take it and accept it. Will you take it?

¹⁰ Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

Galatians 6:10 

more tears?

who would've thought there'd be more tears to come today.

Today we had a first small drama practice with a group of friends for ACUPE night, our annual coffeeshop-like event, they decided to remake the chisel video (above) by the skit guys and i was re-watching it beforehand and something just hit me. I had to go upstairs and because i couldn't hold it. Im not sure what it was, but something was tugging at me.

Listening to it carefully, it was exactly what i needed to hear. It was exactly what I was needed to be reminded of.

I am God's original masterpiece. That was the catchline of the video.

I always think lowly of myself, i don't think I'm worthy of anything, i don't think I'm good enough for anything or anyone, i can beat myself down to pulp, but with others, I'm able to encourage, and praise them, but with myself, its the complete opposite. I never have faith in my work, i need so much reassurance, its horrible. Sometimes i think that i've failed at life. To the point where there's no turning back, that i've ruined it.

Junk. I think I'm junk.

In the video, "God" says "you've listened to so many voices for far too long that aren't of me. You think you are junk don't you? You really, really, really, really think you are junk. Listen to me. I don't make junk. What does that say about me."

God doesn't make junk. Thats insulting to him.

I also constantly compare myself to others, and that was something that was needed to be chiseled off. Im always thinking of how people are so great and how I'm not, what they have and what i don't, what I'm missing.

God doesn't make copies.

I can feel all the weight on me. All the dirty nasty things that need to be chiseled off. God needs to come in and do that, but will i let him take over and do i have the faith to let him do what he needs to do? I say yes, but i think there are parts of me that are still resisting.

I am God's original masterpiece.

I am God's original masterpiece. 

I am God's original masterpiece.

And so are you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;    your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139:13-14 

Sharpening Skates

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

proverbs 27:17

Tonight at AGAPE we went skating, and i really thought it went better than expected. But i think tonight i really realized and saw friendship again. True acceptance, love, and support. Although i didnt do much skating, i really started to observe others. And seeing them help each other out, seeing them take a step out of their comfort zone and talk to others and mesh with others. I guess you could say i was really proud, surprised, and impressed.

First, i know myself, i still tend to restrict myself from opening up to others, being selfish, but seeing others do that is an inspiration and it pushes me to be like them to follow their footsteps. Just as Jesus did as well. I was proud because I remember when we started out, in our cliques and our groups. Its great to see the growth and how far we've gotten. Praise God.

Like the verse says. Iron sharpens iron, and man sharpens another. Its through this fellowship, this community, we continue to support each other, continue to grow and thrive. We build each other up and i honestly dont know what i'd do without AGAPE or where i'd be now without them. They've sharpened me for sure and im more than blessed to have God place them in my life.

Amen. PTL.

Luke 17:1-4

¹ And he said to his disciples, “Temptations to sin are sure to come, but woe to the one through whom they come! ²It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin. ³ Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, ⁴ and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”

luke 17:1-4

The past few days, i've really come to realize that when reading his Word you need to be extremely focus. Its never a one-time read kinda thing. You have to read it once, read it again, and read it again. There are lines that you may not get at first, second, or third glance, but you really have to break it down.

Here are the main points I got out of the passage.

being the one that causes others to sin is worse that "drowning yourself in the ocean" (as used in the passage). As brothers and sisters in Christ, we should be working together and supporting each other in spirit and in love. Not pulling each other down. After reading this, i immediately thought of Kelly's talk about dress code at semi formal events. Girls should not be wearing short dresses, or low cut dresses that can easily be temptations for guys. Thinking about it, i really hope im not doing anything that causes others to sin, and if i am i hope im notified about it and i'll do my best to change it.

forgive. Christ forgave and loved us first and we must also learn to do so. Like the passage says, if they confess and repent, we must forgive. Dont hold a grudge towards others, like it says in Ephesians 4:26. One may turn on you, and backstab you over and over again, but if they truly confess, learn to forgive. Even though you forgive, i dont think you still have to be their friend and place your trust in them, but ensure you are both on good terms.

3 Days Can Do A Lot.

Going into this retreat i told Jason that i'd get to know my grade better.
Well, i got closer to a few girls and a guy.
I never expected my relationship with this one girl to grow so strong after a 3 hour talk.
We all go through struggles and it seemed like she understood what i was going through the most. Her style is nothing like mine. We were talking about how it's hard to make friends with girls and i think that it was a slap in the face when i realized that someone else was going through the same struggles as me. I couldn't believe it. Hopefully, i'll get to know her a lot better and soon develop a closer relationship with her.

Onto the next girl. She is a weird one. Every time i added a caption with a picture of us it would say, "We share our awks moments together" but after these 3 days, she was the one that would come looking for me. I've only known her for a year and throughout this year these past 3 days were the most important. I told her everything and felt that she has my trust. I didn't know what to expect when i went to talk to her for the first time. To be honest i thought that she would be one of those bratty girls that always get their way and tend to judge others by what they look like. But i was completely wrong. yes we do have many awkward moments but that's what makes our relationship. She's just amazing and she understands what im going through.

Lastly, this guy. I've known him for 3 years, got baptized with him and shared many awkward yet lasting moments. At first all i thought of him was that he's good looking. I didn't see past that until we had our first h2h. It opened my eyes and i realized that we shouldn't judge others because of what they look like because a smile can be covering a lot of pain. Last night i talked to him until 2am and by far it was the best talk that i've ever had with him. We usually talk on the phone or skype about random stuff but, this time it was different. I felt that i was hiding something from him and i thought that his reaction would be, "Kay so what do you want me to do about it. I care but, there's nothing i can do" but i was completely wrong. I wasn't going to cry but once i told him i bursted out in tears for a good 15 min. From this adventure with him i learned to not hide things from friends because you never know the outcome. He told me that he was glad that im still his friend and i've stuck by him through the many things he's done to me. This brightened my day. I never expected those words to come out of his mouth since, he's not a very 'talk about my feelings' person. I felt that he's shown me accountability and he doesn't judge because he says it doesn't benefit anything, which is very true.

After these 3 days past i got closer to these 3 people. I honestly don't know what i would do without them. I learned that we shouldn't take friends for granted. We should learn to thank God for all our friends, old and new because we never know what's going to happen next.

AGAPE Winter Retreat '12

"you mean the world to me."

Its been eight, memorable, amazing, unforgettable retreats with my fellowship, and today just concluded our final one before we graduate.

To be honest, it didnt really hit me that this was it until the bus ride home. And i question myself, did i enjoy myself to the fullest? Did i let God speak to me and completely let him enter my heart?

But first, lets take it back. This is going to be a quite a messy post. Just saying.

Sessions. This time around, Calvin Lam came in and spoke to us, and he used the prodigal son parable as his message. The overarching theme was "Are You a Fan or a Follower of Christ?". Here are just a few of my quick notes.

- In the parable, it talks about a son that takes his portion of inheritance, runs away and wastes it until he hits rock bottom. He comes to realize that he was wrong, and wanted to return, in hopes his father would take him in as a servant, but to his surprise his father had a full on party for him, rejoicing and celebrating his return.

- Are we like the son? Running away? Personally, i shared that i think i may have strayed away, may have fallen without even knowing. I need to run back into his arms, knowing that he is a father that forever loves me and will provide for me.

That night, we had our own reflection time, a time with God and i really realized that i've messed up. I have and am continuing to fail to let go of the sins i struggle with. In the past, i've looked out to everyone and saw people with perfect lives, everything figured out, but now i've come to see that everyone has their own package of struggles and its amazing to see us all come together, to support each other in His name.

- we then talked about the second half of the parable, it was about the older son, and his side of the story. He was working with his dad the entire time, but when his brother returned home, he was frustrated and didnt realize why the son that betrayed the family received such a celebration. He built an attitude of selfishness. His brother had already took his portion, but when he comes back, his dad gave the younger brother the elder brother's ROBE, RING, FATTENED CALF. This all was rightfully his, but was used to celebrated his younger brother's return. He just didnt understand.

- are we like the elder brother? Selfish and unable to see past ourselves and our wants?

- reflecting on this, i can relate to it as well. Calvin said something that hit my heart: "selfishness will kill what God is trying to do within us".

- i shared with my small group that i felt that my faith was wavering, i felt lost in my faith and that it had plateaued, and i think this is it. My selfishness has hindered me from letting God work within me. For instance, newcomers. To be honest, i dont like talking to new people, i do it sometimes because i feel bad, and i feel like i have to, but i feel like its a bad sign when its not out of love. Selfish. Im thinking about myself first.

- i really challenge myself and others to break away from this selfishness, step out of their comfort zone and into the realm of others. Seeing their needs, besides your own.

- Luke 14:33 really hit me, it was from the devo. It says,

³³ In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.

- EVERYTHING. God wants us to give up EVERYTHING. Thats the requirement, and i cant yet, but im learning to. "Salvation is free, but discipleships costs everything".

Speaking of this selfishness. I felt like i was trying to break out a bit more this weekend. I tried to sit with new people, and i got to know the grade 10s and 11s better. I really wanted to get to know more people, but within 48 hours, its simply not possible. Again, its hard talking to newcomers, and sacrificing something you want (ex. friends) for someone else. I have a friend who I look up to because he's so sweet, caring, gentle and welcoming. He's been that person that has gone out and spoke to me when i was alone, and he's reminded me that im important and someone cares. He sets a great example of putting their own wants behind and putting others before them. This same friend told me this morning how excited he was to be in my small group, looking forward to my sharing and what i had to say, but he was disappointed (i guess you can say) on how quiet i was. To be completely honest, that hit me really hard. I knew that he looked up to me, and to hear that, i felt like i failed him, disappointed him. I never knew anyone would look at me that way, so with that, i was motivated to open up even more, and share at the session this morning. Im hoping that through my sharing, it would help the younger grades open up more. They may be shy, but im hoping that through all this, they can learn to share as well. I remember how difficult, awkward, and shy it was when it came to sharing.

Retreat always comes with tears, laughter, joy, and memories. Whether if it may be the UFC championships that go on in the boys cabin, the intimate talks we have with each other in our grades, or the competitive atmosphere that comes with group games, retreat has always meant a lot to me. Thinking about it now, knowing that this is the end, that this weekend was the final weekend, im sad that its all over. I wont be able to have another moment like a moment at retreat with all 190+ people. Im truly grateful and blessed for everyone i've met, and i remember on the bus ride home, looking back and seeing all the grade 12s, how they've grown, how they've matured, it was like watching flowers bloom. You can pick out the artistic ones, the loud ones, the dramatic ones, the musical ones, the list goes on. You can clearly see that God pieced each and everyone of us together to make up this group of seventeen/eighteen year olds. Im thankful for all of them. They've impacted me, and have definitely molded me and have made me who i am.

Was this final retreat, epic, and big? No, it was a typical retreat, but thats all i need.

verse of the day: Luke 14:33

³³ In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.

4 out of 5.

"dont get swept away by the waves of temptation"

On Sunday we went to sunday school class, as always, and the overall theme/lesson was campus life, first year, and what we'd encounter. And we talked a LOT about drinking, partying, priorities, and temptations.

I dont know what it was, whether if it was the video, how they created it, the music, the stories, but a lot of it was about drinking, and it made it all seem really real. It made it seem like, that was the biggest thing we'll encounter, and that thats all that campus life is about. Im hoping its not, but we'll find out.

There were stories from going to the hospital, and getting sexually assaulted, and it was just all in my face. But then the next bit was what hit me the most.

"4 out of 5 Christians fall away from Christ when they head to University."

I've heard this several times, but i guess seeing it, and the fact that i was sitting in a room filled with graduates that are in groups of fives. It was all becoming a reality. Sitting in my group, Denton, Bryan, Jasper, Donald, Adrienne. Thats 5. And 4 of them are going to leave Christ? Thats a scary thought.

Talking about alcohol and then people falling away, one person popped into my mind. And worries started to pour in. I was scared he'd be a easy snab by Satan and i cant afford to lose him, or anyone from AGAPE for that matter. I think his faith still isnt strong, he's experimented with alcohol, and i feel like everything we talked about in class was a screaming invitation from the Devil. I can only hope and pray that he wont fall away. There's no way i can check up on him, and i just feel kinda useless and that i cant do anything to help him out. I know to leave it up to God, but i pray and hope i can do everything i can, now and later to make sure it doesnt happen.

4 out of 5 people will fall away from Christ.

Accountability is so important.

Check up on your friends and keep them close.

Find a fellowship ASAP when you get to campus.