My World vs The World

"a very personal reflection"

Over the break, rotting away, i've gotten to chance to really think about what im going through. I feel like my life is a mess. Not in an obvious way though, but on the inside, a tornado has torn through and everything is everywhere. Doubt has flooded in and negativity radiates in my mind. Things still feel like they're up in the air, im not sure what to make of it, how much of it is true and how much of it is my mind playing tricks on me. Everything's just a big mess.

Thinking more each day, today i came to this conclusion. My World vs The World.

The World. By saying this, i mean the standards of this world. I guess more towards the academic/future world. Im not trying to boast or anything, just be clear of that. Personally, i havent felt stressed about the entire university thing. I feel very calm, prepared, and im ready for God to guide me wherever he desires. I've always wanted to follow him, but sometimes i can never tell where he wants me to be. The university dilemma, i've always thought, if you make it, you make it. If you dont make it, you dont. I feel like my marks are fine, and will get me where i want to go and i already have gotten offers. I think this is THE WORLD. The things "The World" worries about and cares about. And i feel like i've got that down.

My World. This is in reference to inside, my inner self. From social/physical/emotional side of things. You may or may not have noticed, but loneliness is one of the biggest things i struggle with i think one can say. There are so many things that im dealing with that i want to get rid of, and i want to discover the roots and really destroy it from there instead of the surface pains. From loneliness sprouted the missing sense of feeling good about myself, and about life, from that grew the urge to feel good, which blossomed into temporary satisfaction and sins. The chain continues, as doubt/guilt/anxiety fill in the gaping holes and to be honest im a bit scared of where this may/can lead to. Depression? Suicidal thoughts (but i dont think i have to guts to even attempt that)?

Solution? I honestly dont know. Thinking about all this stuff, from simple things, seeing people together and seeing myself alone, I've been thinking, what is worth living for? If the things of this world is going to fade and deteriorate, why are we still living? Whats the point of all this. Being able to vent out to someone is the best, and im happy i have a PINCH of these people. Talking to him reminded me of so many things. Living for God. He should be enough to live for. And although, yes that is the answer, but sadly i feel like my faith isnt strong enough to say that yet. I feel like many people see me as the mature spiritual one, but when i reflect on it, i dont think im anywhere near spiritual maturity.

So what is the answer? First off, another reminder from the same friend. We're in the midst of Teens Conference at the moment, and he talked to me about their bible study on Hosea. It talked about Hosea and Gomer (who was a prostitute). Throughout the entire passage, Gomer was constantly being unfaithful to Hosea, and long story short, Gomer represents us as Christians and Hosea represents Christ. We are CONSTANTLY going against Christ yet he is still committed to us, continues to love and forgive us. No matter who we are, what we do, God forever loves us. This boggles my mind that God is so willing to care for us and i've even thought, "why is he so stupid for not leaving me. i've done so many things to hurt him and he's just standing there just readying himself to get hurt again". But God is good. All the time.

So we got that down. God forever loves and forgives us when we are unfaithful. But now what? How will this rid of my loneliness, doubt, guilt, and pain? Again, we always point towards the Word. Are you indulging in it everyday? Are you truly spending time with our Saviour? And i confess and admit. No. Im not. And i need to be and should be. But I honestly can say, i dont have the motivation. Why? Im not sure. Why do i allow other things, tv shows, homework, scholarships, overpower and allow devotions and scripture reading to be pushed aside? I need a push. Still a weak Christian, i have lots to learn. I need to fully realize this and i need to put it into action.

Lastly (for now), accountability. I have this with a few people, my pastor who is also my mentor, a close friend or two are there to support me and get me through these rough times. I think i got this down. But if you're reading this and you're going through something, tell someone. A brother and sister in Christ who is spiritually mature and whom you can trust. Accountability is so important. I remember when i first started, i kept telling myself, i can do this with God. All things are possible with Christ right? That is true, but i MYSELF cannot overcome it and be victorious. That's why we are a church and are a family. We are there to support each other. That's why there is fellowship, that's why there is accountability and support, that's why God made other people, for support, love and encouragement. Find that person for you!

More solutions? Im unsure of at the moment. I'll stop here. My process is still going, im still thinking, still reflecting. But at this moment, i can say im at a lower point in life. Feeling lost, sad, alone, and in a blur.

verse of the day: Proverbs 3:5-8

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
⁶ In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
⁷ Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
⁸ It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones.

Morning Class,

Good Morning Class,

Good Afternoon Class,

Good Evening Class,

Good Night Class.

God is constantly instructing us and teaching us what is right, what is wrong, what pleases him and what angers him. In the verse today, Psalm 25:8 it says,

Good and upright is the Lord;

therefore he instructs sinners in the way.

Instructs SINNERS. Thats you. Thats me. Thats each and everyone of us. Right now, im in a very guilty, disappointed, frustrated moment. And although it says sinners, i cant help to think that im just too sinful to be "enrolled" in this class. That i've done wrong so immensely that i dont deserve it, i dont deserve anything.

But im being reminded that we are all equal in sin. There is no sin that is greater than another and there is no amount of sin that pushes you off the "forgive-worthy" scale. God loves each of us unconditionally no matter what wrong we've done to him, and sometimes its hard to grasp and believe.

Lord, i am a sinner. I have sinned against you, each day, each week and each month. But thank you for loving me and being willing to take me in as your child to instruct me. Open my eyes, grant me wisdom and strength to fight temptation, and to overcome what the Devil tries to trick me with. You are a good and gracious God and i am unworthy to be called your child, yet you still love me.

God of Comfort

³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ⁵ For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. ⁶ If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. ⁷ Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

⁸ For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. ⁹ Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselvesbut on God who raises the dead. ¹⁰ He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.¹¹ You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.

2 corinthians 1:3-11

Do you ever get that feeling when you feel disgusting, like a monster? When you've indulged in sin, you turned away from God and you've been engulfed by guilt? That feeling, that you're retched, scarred, and just unworthy? That feeling comes up a lot. When we sin, we've failed against God, and like Adam and Eve, we tend to run away after realizing how filthy we are, we try to hide from God.

I felt like that today.

But then when i started to read the devo, this was the scripture reading for the day, and it calmed my heart. God will comfort us in everything, in times of trial, suffering, and pain. And it is for us to be able to spread and spill that comfort into others. I've felt that this week. I've recently made a new friend, or i guess you could say gotten closer to a friend, and i've also felt that i could be more transparent and vulnerable with others lately. Of course i have deeper struggles with whom i share with others, but i've been able to just talk to people about my struggles more. It feels good sometimes, because we're able to help each other out. Sometimes if you take the risk (if you're comfortable) and share with others, you'll never know the response you'll get. For instance, i shared with this friend about university, about a friend who's possibly wasted 7 years of my life (as bad as that sounds), and i was surprised to hear what he had to say, but it was most definitely comforting.

But also reading all this, and reflecting on all this, i was constantly reminded of God's love. Its deeper than the sea, wider than the universe, and its never failing, and everlasting. No matter what you've done to him, run away, stabbed him in the back, fall short of his glory, he still loves you unconditionally. Its amazing to really take that in, and you really will not find anyone else on this earth that can satisfy that, and be that person for you, because its humanly impossible.

God comforts you, share that comfort with others.

7 The Lord is good,
a stronghold in the day of trouble;

nahum 1:7

great reminder.

I think Kelly's sermon today was really great. I've always loved her sermons and how she's so straight forward and direct. Ha, it was pretty hard to follow along because i didnt bring a pen, so i was doing everything on my iphone. It was pretty intense, having the put headings, and typing, and browsing through the bible on cue and at light speed, but i think it helped with keeping me focused. I guess i'll write the notes i took down today. (italized is my personal expression tonight)

Questions For The Heart:

a) Do you despise yourself and think you are a fake?

b) Do you discount your positive characteristics and feel you do not deserve praise?

c) Do you brag about your flaws?

d) Do you destroy your own personal success?

- it isnt healthy to dwell on these things and let it take over our lives!

To be honest, when reading these questions, i think yes is my answer to most of them if not all of them, and its not the best trait of mine. The series is called "Being More Confident" (or something along those lines), but i really am not. I do look down upon myself, and i never trust and have confidence in my work. I made it my resolution to be more confident about myself this year. See how it goes. Yah know, once i saw the title of the message today, i knew God was whispering in my ear, if not yelling. This was.. "my message".

How to Deal with Shame and Guilt

a) Accept that God's Forgiveness is REAL. (Romans 8:1-4)

- punishment for sin, which is death is paid for by God, by having Jesus Christ come and die for us

- its easier to accept God's forgiveness than the consequences of sin

- God DEMANDS that the penalty is paid

- to overcome shame, we have to believe that God has forgiven us, its real!

b) Change the way your THINK. (Romans 8:5-7, Galatians 5:22-23, Philippians 4:8)

- we need to live as SAVED people, not as PRISONERS to sin

- set out mind on the SPIRIT instead of the WORLD. This will give us peace and goodness

- Galatians 5:22-23 is the fruit of the spirit. If we continue to meditate on these things, they will be at the forefronts of our minds, replacing sinful desires, and we'll soon learn to embody these traits

- Philippians 4:8 says we need to change our mindset, know and believe that we are REDEEMED people who are loved by God.

- looking glass self: "you are what you think other people think you are

- every morning is a clean slate. As long as we realize, confess and repent in the present, now, the past is the past and has been forgiven. (this was so important to me, and i'll definitely need to continously remind myself of that)

c) Be FILLED with the Holy Spirit. (Romans 8:9-11, 2 Peter 1:3)

- if the spirit raised Christ from the dead and abides in you, wont it do the same?

- ACCEPT his forgiveness and CHANGE how you think.

- Dont let Satan take over!

"As we face condemnation, we can have confidence and know that we are free."

I found all these as great reminders. May we continue to change our perspective, dwell on God, The Spirit and eternal things, and stray away from the temptations of sin.