numbered.

I am continually thinking about this and realizing this, that everything is numbered, and once there were firsts, but now comes lasts. From prom, to last SNA, to last worship practices, numbered nights in that bed, numbered days before university, everything is slowly wrapping up.

I can't take it. Thinking about it recently, i feel like everything is picking up too, but at this late late hour. Im finally starting to truly enjoy myself, have fun, feeling welcomed and accepted, but May 26th of my final year? Any later? Just being around the grade 10s today at AGAPE was exhilarating, they are full of energy and potential, they're kind, sweet, funny, and fun, and it hurts thinking about their absence next year.

I feel like a whirlwind is about to pick up, i don't know whats going to happen, who I'm going to lose, who I'm going to keep, what God is trying to teach me, or what the final results will be. Im scared, I'm nervous, I'm not ready, but putting faith in God.

I think this upcoming transition between high school and university will be another test, just like SNA and ACUPE, another lesson to put my faith in Christ. He knows best. Although everything is numbered, he's here for me and with me at all times.

⁷ 

Since no one knows the future,    who can tell someone else what is to come?

Ecclesiastes 8:7 

expectations

What a crazy night. Prom, the once in a lifetime night everyone has been chatting about, getting excited for was today. To be completely honest, i wasn't excited and i dreaded it, the past two days, it got to the point where i felt like it was a chore, a tedious chore that needed to be completed. But surprisingly, once i put on my outfit for the first time, something came over me, and those prom jitterbugs came flocking. And after tonight, i must say that i did have a wonderful, amazing time. It was fun, I was content.

Many people had crazy expectations about it, how it was the perfect night, i know so many people were going crazy, and the news has reported that teenagers are spending hundreds of dollars on this simple night, on make up and dresses, and its just been so hyped and people have had such high expectations. Tonight, i felt like those with such expectations were disappointed. Sometimes we create these expectations for things in life, but they end up disappointing us, whether it may be an event, person, or relationship, we can get disappointed.

But, thankfully, there is something we can have great expectations of and i promise and know that it won't disappoint. That is heaven, eternal life, and our God. Heaven, streets of gold, rooms made with us in mind, eternal life, a life without pain, suffering or tears. We cannot even begin to imagine the love God has for us, and what he has in store for us when we get to heaven. Im excited, and i cannot what to see what he has prepared for me.

Are you expecting something great? 

Yes, my soul, find rest in God;     my hope comes from him.

Psalm 62:5 

Tumble of Death

Grade 12? You're probably feeling the exact same way. Its mid-May, there's prom coming up, almost all the results from universities are in, we pretty much know where we are going, and it feels like we're trapped birds that have almost broken loose. So easy to just give up now, and just start to enjoy whats to come.

Im sure we were all reminded of that last semester, i remember being told to stick it out until the end, and i totally thought to myself, "no, i won't get that, I'm a hard working student right? this won't affect me." But nope, it is getting to me, big time. There are certain courses where technically i don't need anymore, could just give up and let it slide, but i still have a few strings holding me back from that, but it feels like each day that passes, another string snaps, and its only a matter of time before I'm free.

We can't. We can't give up. As easy as it feels. I think we can all feel like this sometimes in our walk with Christ, that we feel like we can just give up. We've worked so hard, and we're near the end, that we can just let it slip and start to enjoy it earlier. But we have to stick it through. There's literally a month left until exams come around, and if we're still in this slacking mode, how are we going to pick it up for exams? Its easy to fall, and harder to climb back up.

Im praying that God gives me the strength to continue, to not fully give up, to continue to work hard, and stick it out until June 19th. Can you pull through? Will you fall into temptation or will you trudge through? God calls us not to be lazy, to set a good example and work hard. Lets keep it up for the next month!

A sluggard’s appetite is never filled,     but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.

Proverbs 13:4 

⁴

May His Will Be Done.

Some things just don't work out. God has a plan for each and every one of us. Lately i've been learning and thinking about giving up my life to Him. Im sure each of us have some things in our life that we are still holding onto, unable to let go of. May it be something personal, a secret, or a person, a relationship, we hate not having control of things. I know when i plan and organize things, things must always be under control or else it just doesn't work out for me.

There are some things we can't control. For instance, university acceptances. We can work hard, and get those marks in as high as we can, but the decision the university makes are completely out of our control. I think that its in these times where we have to learn to let go, and give it to God to handle. He is greater, he has a paved road for us, its up to us to focus on that road, or for us to be curious on things that are off the path.

Let His will be done. Humble yourself, and let Him use you has his instrument to do good, to spread his love. He knows whats best for you, he's always looking out for you, he won't leave you behind or leave you trapped, he only wants whats good for you. That is only if you let him.

⁸ It is better to take refuge in the Lord     than to trust in humans.

Psalm 118:8 

specify in prayer.

Sometimes i feel like prayer life can feel like such a routine. Sometimes i pray, and i confess that sometimes its just nonsense coming out of my mouth. And i know that its so wrong, that i shouldn't be praying like that, but it just happens sometimes. I feel like its very dull.

I was reading my devotions before heading into first period today, and it was about pray specifically. Instead of saying things like "Lord, bless and heal the sick ones", you can pray for those who are sick that you know. I personally do do that often in my prayers, i have specific requests, and certain people i pray for. Just something about it seems dull. I feel like that spark is kinda of lost, and I'm unsure of how to get it back.

I think what i can do right now is just to try my best to be fully honest in prayer, and be wholehearted. Not to rush it, and to treasure it because I'm spending time with the God of the universe. It can easily be just brushed off because its hard to realize how BIG this is.

 ³ When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

James 4:3 

role modelling.

Role model. As followers of Christ, we need to be good representatives of him, constantly reflecting Him. I've never really looked at myself as a role model, but the past year, there have been people that have told me that they look up to me. It was a shock. Why would you look up to me out of all people? What is it about that you admire? Why me?

Although i continue to question myself, over and over, knowing that there are people that look up to me, its different. Because there are people looking up to me, i have to put on my A-game like never before. I try my best to set that good example for them, in hopes that those who look up to me will learn and be influenced to do the same.

But it was today when I felt the pressure of being this role model. I want to set that example for others, especially for those younger than me, but today i felt like, for me to do that, i had to be perfect and have no flaws. I love it when I have people that support me, and that i can support, where there's a two way accountability, but sometimes its hard when you tell others to not give up (for instance), and then the next second talk about giving up. We can't be two faced, and we can't go against our word. But at the same time, you are dealing with your own struggles and you want to give up, yet today i felt like i couldn't share with anyone because it would make me look bad as a role model. So how do you balance that?

I do realize that being a role model doesn't mean perfection, but its hard to set a good example when you don't live up to what you say/do? Does that make sense?

Christ is the perfect example we should all be looking up to. We are humans, we fail and we stumble. There isn't anything wrong with looking up to one another, but we have to know that none of us are perfect. Set your eyes on Christ, the greatest example.

¹² Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. 

1 Timothy 4:12 

tears.

We all have those days where we're sad, we're disappointed, its an off day, something has happened, and tears may fall. I feel like i've been on this crazy rollarcoaster recently, filled with times of over thinking and worrying, steep climbs that sometimes lead to nothing, and fearing the truth.

I've thought about it lately, and it just feels like i don't have that sense of belonging yet. I feel like an alien sometimes, as if I'm from another planet or something. Something doesn't feel right. It might be my fault for not having a close core group of friends, or maybe its just that no one finds interest in me? I've talked to others about it, and they've all said to be myself and to have a bit more confidence in myself. And I'm trying so hard. Be myself. If you like it, cool, if you don't, then thats cool too.

I just don't know how to handle it. Maybe I'm just expecting too much? I honestly don't know what the problem is.

Tears. Okay, im not crying, but i know that we're all going through something, whether it be the stress from school and university, or problems with parents, no one is living the perfect life.

God sees these tears. Whether they may be the ones falling down your cheek, or the ones from the heart. He has gone through all this, and he knows exactly how it feels.

Yes, maybe i don't feel like i fit, maybe I'm just the odd piece in the puzzle, and maybe this isn't where I'm supposed to be. But I honestly love those around me. They are great people to be around, and i love their company. Can they say the same? That i'll never know. I said that I'm scared of knowing the truth. What people truly think about me. I try to think of others instead of myself, if they don't like me, theres not need to hide it, just say it. But i don't know.

Is it just me? I don't know. But what i've learnt this weekend is what's pushing me through. Knowing that God understands, he knows, and he cares should be and is enough for me. Life is worth the living just because He lives. JUST BECAUSE.

This stuff is always crossing my mind. I just had to get it out.

Verse of the day says the rejoice always. Good reminder in this time. I'll keep trying. I don't know what God is trying to teach me here, but I'm willing to listen and learn. Praying he'll speak to me.

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:4-7

Road to Calvary (VI)

About to do my devotions today, i realized i forgot to leave a passage here, in between the crucifixion and the resurrection, but i think that i'll use this post to really take some time to think about how God has worked in my life and how i've seen his love displayed.

The past little while has been rather rough. I've said in a previous post that i feel like my WORLD life (meaning academics, university and all) is okay. Im not worried about that, about marks and I'm not stressed about work either. But on the flip side, MY WORLD (meaning friends, relationships, has been quite a mess). The past year i've been able to open up more and share with others about my problems, and i've been blessed to have a few special people in my life whom i can trust, whom i can talk to and be completely honest with without hesitation. I cannot thank them enough. I truly believe that God placed them in my life to help me with this time of struggle and i can say that its through them that i see God's awesome love.

Its because of God's love that I'm here today.

Its because of God's love that I'm still standing.

Its because of God's love that i have hope, a reason to live on and to fight.

Death. I've been thinking about that quite a bit lately. Thinking about how easy it would be to take my life, and then all the problems would disappear immediately. But yet i haven't. Its easy to just walk out into the street and get hit, its easy to step off the balcony and fall, but yet I'm still here, still standing and still fighting. How am i getting through? By remembering the eternal things. God has promised us a spot in heaven if we believe. He has promised us a new life of happiness, of joy, without pain, without suffering, forever. Keep your eyes on this, and keep pushing through. Yes, life will throw you the dumps, Satan will lure and entice you, trying to trip you up, but with Christ, you've been saved. If you have believed, confessed and repented, you have ALREADY been saved. Your spot is secure! Thats the greatest hope!

God sent his son to die for you and for me. Jesus, was born in a manger, lived as a carpenter, walked on this earth, endured and faced every trial, every pain, and every temptation by the devil and stood firm, did not give up, and committed until the very end, until "it is finished". May we follow his footsteps and learn to do the same.

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

comma,

Today is Palm Sunday. There's only a week before the highlight of the Christian calendar, in five days Jesus will be beaten, tormented and spat on for our sins as he carries the consequences of sin on his shoulders for all of mankind. But in seven days, we will rejoice as he has resurrected from the grave, ultimately showing his power, his love, but most importantly hope.

My devotions the past few days have constantly been saying, "during this time of lent, reflect on...". I think i haven't been taking the time to reflect on his grace, his love, and his sacrifice. During band practice, we did devotionals, and it talked about being in constant communion with Christ. It said that quiet time isn't enough. It was a surprise because i always thought that if i made time to spend with Christ, that would be sufficient. But its much more. Its to be thinking about him, in every moment. Sometimes its difficult, because you're focusing on other things, how exactly do you focus on Christ as well? To quote the devotion,

"the key to friendship with God is not changing what you do, but chaining your attitude toward what you do. What you normally do for yourself, you begin doing for God, whether it is eating, bathing working, relaxing, or taking out the trash." - Rick Warren

There's so much more to this thing we call faith. It isn't just an action where you say "i believe". It isn't just the baptism where you get dunked. There's more. Its a commitment and its a lifestyle. There's more that we live for.

During today's sermon my pastor said something that stuck out to me, "life is a comma, not a period." There's much more after life. What you do in this life determines what happens in the next life. Like the parable in Matthew 25:31-46, it talks about goats and sheep. One will enter heaven because they lived out Christ's life, and one will enter the gates of Hell because they were not representatives of Christ.

This last week of lent, before easter, I hope that i can work harder to reflect and think about God glory, and focus on him more. On his love and sacrifice for me.

²⁷ Just as people are destined to die once, and after that to face judgment,²⁸ so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many; and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him.

Hebrews 9:27

Renewal.

I've been picked up. Yes the past few days have been dark, and I was slipping up in the quicksand of sin, but i was renewed today. It all sparked from a friend who emailed me, with comfort, encouragement and support. She sent me Psalm 42 which i found extremely comforting, and when i read it in her email, i was moved, i felt something inside of me. I know for a fact that God placed her in my life and he was speaking to me through her. I cannot thank her or my God enough for that. After getting her message, i was moved to dive into his Word and i tried something new. I walked out to the park and spent a good hour in his Word, in worship and in prayer. During that time I went through three chapters of Psalms. Psalm 37, Psalm 40 andPsalm 42.

Going through the passages, i found comfort and peace in it. I couldnt exactly pinpoint what it was, but there were a few verses that stood out to me.

Psalm 37:23-24

^{23 23} The LORD directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
²⁴ Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the LORD holds them by the hand.

We will all stumble, in sin, falling short of God's glory, but with his almighty hand and love, he will make sure we stand back up and continue to walk by him. He's holding onto our hand, making sure we're safe and are not left behind. Its a great feeling knowing that someone is specifically watching out for you,

Psalm 37:39-40

³⁹ The LORD rescues the godly;
he is their fortress in times of trouble.
⁴⁰ The LORD helps them,
rescuing them from the wicked.
He saves them,
and they find shelter in him.

My fortress in times of trouble is my God. He will keep me still, calm my heart and give me peace in times of distress, and mess. He is the rock I hold onto. He rescues me from the wicked and shelters me under his loving and caring arms.

Psalm 40:2-3

² He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
³ He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the LORD.

Psalm 40 came from my devotional, about how God lifts us out of trouble and that's exactly how i felt today. He's given me a new life, he has renewed me and given me a new slate. He's given me a new song, literally! I found this song after we sang it at church the other day, "You Alone Can Rescue" by Matt Redman. What a great reminder to how only God alone will sustain and lift us out of all darkness. The last part of verse 3 i think sums up evangelism. As Christians, we are Christ representatives and through our lives, hopefully many will see what God has done and will place their trust in the Lord as well. I myself know that there are a few people that look up to me, and it only motivates me more to set and be that example to not lead others astray.

Psalm 40:11-12

¹¹ LORD, don’t hold back your tender mercies from me.
Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.
¹² For troubles surround me—
too many to count!
My sins pile up so high
I can’t see my way out.
They outnumber the hairs on my head.
I have lost all courage.

"I have lost all courage." This is on the NLT version, it didnt show up on my bible during my reading today. Thats exactly how i felt this week. Like all was lost, nothing could fix this, that "my sins were piled up so high", having "troubles surround me", but God is good and will always protect me.

Psalm 42:1-3

¹ As the deer longs for streams of water,
so I long for you, O God.
² I thirst for God, the living God.
When can I go and stand before him?
³ Day and night I have only tears for food,
while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,
“Where is this God of yours?”

This was the passage my friend sent me. Throughout the entire passage, one line was repeated many many times, "Where is your God?". In times of trouble, we may ask that, others may ask us that. Where is your God? If you're Christian and you believe in this great God, where is he when you're struggling and are trudging through? The answer? Right next to me. There are times where he feels distant, and im sure thats exactly what i felt this week, but I think that its during these times where the true test of faith comes into play. When he feels distant (but really isnt), will you fall away from him? Its through these times you learn and you are strengthened. It is truly when we go to seek Christ is when we find true joy and peace in the love of our Father.

Ezekiel 37:23

²³ They will never again pollute themselves with their idols and vile images and rebellion, for I will save them from their sinful backsliding. I will cleanse them. Then they will truly be my people, and I will be their God.

This was the theme verse for TC (Teens Conference) this year. I find it really powerful. We will NEVER pollute ourselves of sin, of doubt, of guilt, of temptation, of pain, of struggle, of trouble, with our own thoughts, of sin, of pride, of idols, of sexual immorality, because God WILL save us. We are CLEANSED. This is who we have to be as a follower of God.

I feel renewed.

I feel risen.

What else can I say but PTL.

verse of the day: Psalm 42:8

⁸ But each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me,
and through each night I sing his songs,
praying to God who gives me life.

My World vs The World

"a very personal reflection"

Over the break, rotting away, i've gotten to chance to really think about what im going through. I feel like my life is a mess. Not in an obvious way though, but on the inside, a tornado has torn through and everything is everywhere. Doubt has flooded in and negativity radiates in my mind. Things still feel like they're up in the air, im not sure what to make of it, how much of it is true and how much of it is my mind playing tricks on me. Everything's just a big mess.

Thinking more each day, today i came to this conclusion. My World vs The World.

The World. By saying this, i mean the standards of this world. I guess more towards the academic/future world. Im not trying to boast or anything, just be clear of that. Personally, i havent felt stressed about the entire university thing. I feel very calm, prepared, and im ready for God to guide me wherever he desires. I've always wanted to follow him, but sometimes i can never tell where he wants me to be. The university dilemma, i've always thought, if you make it, you make it. If you dont make it, you dont. I feel like my marks are fine, and will get me where i want to go and i already have gotten offers. I think this is THE WORLD. The things "The World" worries about and cares about. And i feel like i've got that down.

My World. This is in reference to inside, my inner self. From social/physical/emotional side of things. You may or may not have noticed, but loneliness is one of the biggest things i struggle with i think one can say. There are so many things that im dealing with that i want to get rid of, and i want to discover the roots and really destroy it from there instead of the surface pains. From loneliness sprouted the missing sense of feeling good about myself, and about life, from that grew the urge to feel good, which blossomed into temporary satisfaction and sins. The chain continues, as doubt/guilt/anxiety fill in the gaping holes and to be honest im a bit scared of where this may/can lead to. Depression? Suicidal thoughts (but i dont think i have to guts to even attempt that)?

Solution? I honestly dont know. Thinking about all this stuff, from simple things, seeing people together and seeing myself alone, I've been thinking, what is worth living for? If the things of this world is going to fade and deteriorate, why are we still living? Whats the point of all this. Being able to vent out to someone is the best, and im happy i have a PINCH of these people. Talking to him reminded me of so many things. Living for God. He should be enough to live for. And although, yes that is the answer, but sadly i feel like my faith isnt strong enough to say that yet. I feel like many people see me as the mature spiritual one, but when i reflect on it, i dont think im anywhere near spiritual maturity.

So what is the answer? First off, another reminder from the same friend. We're in the midst of Teens Conference at the moment, and he talked to me about their bible study on Hosea. It talked about Hosea and Gomer (who was a prostitute). Throughout the entire passage, Gomer was constantly being unfaithful to Hosea, and long story short, Gomer represents us as Christians and Hosea represents Christ. We are CONSTANTLY going against Christ yet he is still committed to us, continues to love and forgive us. No matter who we are, what we do, God forever loves us. This boggles my mind that God is so willing to care for us and i've even thought, "why is he so stupid for not leaving me. i've done so many things to hurt him and he's just standing there just readying himself to get hurt again". But God is good. All the time.

So we got that down. God forever loves and forgives us when we are unfaithful. But now what? How will this rid of my loneliness, doubt, guilt, and pain? Again, we always point towards the Word. Are you indulging in it everyday? Are you truly spending time with our Saviour? And i confess and admit. No. Im not. And i need to be and should be. But I honestly can say, i dont have the motivation. Why? Im not sure. Why do i allow other things, tv shows, homework, scholarships, overpower and allow devotions and scripture reading to be pushed aside? I need a push. Still a weak Christian, i have lots to learn. I need to fully realize this and i need to put it into action.

Lastly (for now), accountability. I have this with a few people, my pastor who is also my mentor, a close friend or two are there to support me and get me through these rough times. I think i got this down. But if you're reading this and you're going through something, tell someone. A brother and sister in Christ who is spiritually mature and whom you can trust. Accountability is so important. I remember when i first started, i kept telling myself, i can do this with God. All things are possible with Christ right? That is true, but i MYSELF cannot overcome it and be victorious. That's why we are a church and are a family. We are there to support each other. That's why there is fellowship, that's why there is accountability and support, that's why God made other people, for support, love and encouragement. Find that person for you!

More solutions? Im unsure of at the moment. I'll stop here. My process is still going, im still thinking, still reflecting. But at this moment, i can say im at a lower point in life. Feeling lost, sad, alone, and in a blur.

verse of the day: Proverbs 3:5-8

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
⁶ In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
⁷ Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
⁸ It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones.

In The Process: Lent

It has already been an official week of lent! We started on the 22nd of February, and here we are! There are a few things that i've noticed with lent, and today's devotional brought it up, so i decided to reflect on it. First of all, Lent is a 40 day period before easter, where you give up something for the Lord. It can be chocolate, it can be social networking, it can be coffee, anything that was apart of your life. It is so that you can use that time to reflect and spend more time with God.

For me personally, i've decided to give up twitter. Its my first time lenting, (since i always seem to forget and not know when it starts) and i've actually found it extremely effective, especially the first few days. It was difficult, to delete the app, take off the bookmark, delete the SMS twitter contact, and just stripping it away, and having it change literally overnight. But I remember clearly, i would go on the computer and cursor would automatically go to the spot where twitter was, but it was gone, and every single time i did that, i thought of God instead. Every time i wanted to tweet off my phone, i'd think of God. I'd remember the reason im doing this, and it kept him in my mind.

Like I said, Lent is a time where you give up something, so you have more time to think of God and reflect on his greatness, today's devo said,

Lent is a good time to go back to “the beginning of the good news,” recognizing that we are still capable of sin even though we believe in and follow Jesus. His Spirit is working in us, but (in this life) we are not yet made perfect. ~ Today's Devotional

Reflecting, that "we are still capable of sin even though we believe in and follow Jesus". The devo was about repentance, and im sure we all have sins we need to confess and turn away from. I know I for one do. Use this time of lent, instead of going on twitter, or getting that cup of coffee each day, to focus more on God, and how to be more like him.

I remember reading a tweet before lent started saying "the moment when God can send his son to die on cross, but we cant give up social networking". It just shows our priorities and how much we invest our time and effort into things.

Are you lenting? If so, how's it going? If not, is there something you can give up for lent?

God of Comfort

³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ⁵ For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. ⁶ If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. ⁷ Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

⁸ For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. ⁹ Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselvesbut on God who raises the dead. ¹⁰ He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.¹¹ You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.

2 corinthians 1:3-11

Do you ever get that feeling when you feel disgusting, like a monster? When you've indulged in sin, you turned away from God and you've been engulfed by guilt? That feeling, that you're retched, scarred, and just unworthy? That feeling comes up a lot. When we sin, we've failed against God, and like Adam and Eve, we tend to run away after realizing how filthy we are, we try to hide from God.

I felt like that today.

But then when i started to read the devo, this was the scripture reading for the day, and it calmed my heart. God will comfort us in everything, in times of trial, suffering, and pain. And it is for us to be able to spread and spill that comfort into others. I've felt that this week. I've recently made a new friend, or i guess you could say gotten closer to a friend, and i've also felt that i could be more transparent and vulnerable with others lately. Of course i have deeper struggles with whom i share with others, but i've been able to just talk to people about my struggles more. It feels good sometimes, because we're able to help each other out. Sometimes if you take the risk (if you're comfortable) and share with others, you'll never know the response you'll get. For instance, i shared with this friend about university, about a friend who's possibly wasted 7 years of my life (as bad as that sounds), and i was surprised to hear what he had to say, but it was most definitely comforting.

But also reading all this, and reflecting on all this, i was constantly reminded of God's love. Its deeper than the sea, wider than the universe, and its never failing, and everlasting. No matter what you've done to him, run away, stabbed him in the back, fall short of his glory, he still loves you unconditionally. Its amazing to really take that in, and you really will not find anyone else on this earth that can satisfy that, and be that person for you, because its humanly impossible.

God comforts you, share that comfort with others.

7 The Lord is good,
a stronghold in the day of trouble;

nahum 1:7

seeing what we cannot.

I was totally under the category of what we talked about at church today. A person who lacks confidence, has little faith in Christ and is weak, not realizing His strength and His greater, different, mysterious and perfect ways.

¹³ Your way, O God, is holy.
What god is great like our God?
¹⁴ You are the God who works wonders;
you have made known your might among the peoples.
¹⁵ You with your arm redeemed your people,
the children of Jacob and Joseph. Selah

¹⁶ When the waters saw you, O God,
when the waters saw you, they were afraid;
indeed, the deep trembled.
¹⁷ The clouds poured out water;
the skies gave forth thunder;
your arrows flashed on every side.
¹⁸ The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind;
your lightnings lighted up the world;
the earth trembled and shook.
¹⁹ Your way was through the sea,
your path through the great waters;
yet your footprints were unseen.

psalm 77:13-19

1. God is HOLY and his ways are higher/better/different than ours.

We're constantly wanting our way. We fail to give up power, and control of our own lives. We as humans are so scared of the unknown. We dont want to change, we dont want to surrender and let someone take the wheel of our lives. We also have pride in ourselves, we think we're better, we're stronger, we know whats best for us, but the truth is, we really dont. If you have time, reflect on the past few months, years, and see how God has pieced your life together in the most magical, mysterious ways (Isaiah 55:8-9).

2. God's work in the past tells of his work in THE PRESENT and THE FUTURE.

The big pointer here is KNOWING God's work in the past, and the only way to know that is be reading and indulging in the Word. It is the truth. Today our pastor said that should be reading off the word, in PHYSICAL, PRINT form, and im guilty of that. After getting my iphone i've been reading it electronically, and i think i need to change that and start getting back into the habit of reading his word in print. I think its better in many ways, electronically, there are distractions everywhere. But it is by reading his word that one will fully understand just a hint of how God works and see how great he is, for one to put faith into an almighty God.

3. God's work in our lives is MYSTERIOUS but PERFECT.

Our Pastor mentioned today in the passage (Psalms 77) that it talks about nature a lot, and he linked it with God's mysterious ways. Nature is very unpredictable, yet it always works out. If you study science, you start to learn about how crazy and amazing creation is. Although it extremely hard to let go and let God. Remember that his ways are always better. He's overlooking our lives, he's planning it, and he knows whats best and whats better than what you have in mind.

Its Valentine's Day!

¹³ Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.

john 15:13

Im not a big valentine's day guy, the whole lovey dovey thing, there were so many things going on at school today, maybe it be the candy grams, the roses, or the sing o grams, love was in the air. Seeing couples everywhere, just enjoying each other's company and presence. But things popped into my head today.

Valentine's day is clearly known as a day of love, and i feel like its a day where EXTRA love is shown. We should be showing as much love as we can, on every single day! Not just on the 14th of the second month. I challenge you to continue to love others, those you know, those you dont know, those you love, and those you hate. Love them. Give them a hug, give them a high five, you dont need to buy them a rose and have a candle light dinner, but just show love by simply helping them, caring for them, and being a friend.

Being single on valentine's day. People are all saying HAPPY SINGLE AWARENESS DAY, blah blah. I guess today i guess since its "the day of love", use the day to reflect on GOD's love for you. His never ending, never failing, everlasting love for you. Its deeper than the sea, and he sent his one and only son to die for you.

I think i've realized that love is truly shown through sacrifice. If you're willing to sacrifice something thats yours for someone else, thats love. It doesnt have to be something huge like a laptop or something, but something small. Time. Thought. Effort. These little things seem like they have no impact, but together can easily show your love for someone.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Luke 16:1-13

The Parable of the Shrewd Manager

¹ Jesus told his disciples: “There was a rich man whose manager was accused of wasting his possessions. ² So he called him in and asked him, ‘What is this I hear about you? Give an account of your management, because you cannot be manager any longer.’

³ “The manager said to himself, ‘What shall I do now? My master is taking away my job. I’m not strong enough to dig, and I’m ashamed to beg— ⁴ I know what I’ll do so that, when I lose my job here, people will welcome me into their houses.’

⁵ “So he called in each one of his master’s debtors. He asked the first, ‘How much do you owe my master?’

⁶ “‘Nine hundred gallons of olive oil,’ he replied.

“The manager told him, ‘Take your bill, sit down quickly, and make it four hundred and fifty.’

⁷ “Then he asked the second, ‘And how much do you owe?’

“‘A thousand bushels of wheat,’ he replied.

“He told him, ‘Take your bill and make it eight hundred.’

⁸ “The master commended the dishonest manager because he had acted shrewdly. For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light. ⁹ I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings.

¹⁰ “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. ¹¹ So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? ¹² And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own?

¹³ “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”

Going through this, i've read it a few times, trying to fully understand it. Here's what im getting out of it.

To summarize, basically, a "master" has caught his servant (manager) abusing his position, by "wasting his possessions". After being kicked off and fired, he needed to reassemble his life. He decided to call those who are in debt with his master. By telling those in debt that they now owe a smaller amount, i assume that he helped pay his master back.

A few things that stuck out:

- v.3: "im ASHAMED to beg" - when i read this, i immediately thought of pride. That clearly this manager cared about his status and didnt want to lower himself.

- v.8: "the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light." - shrewd meaning clever. The world is full of pride, and we all tend to be selfish and want the most for ourselves, and we'll use any sneaky tactic to boost ourselves up. Where as Christians, the people of the light are less selfish, are able to put others before themselves.

- v. 13: “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” - two masters. I guess this echoes the message at retreat, and that verse that has been on my mind lately. That the cost of discipleship is EVERYTHING. I personally know that there are parts of me that is still holding onto different sins and im just not willing/ready to let go yet. We have to learn to fully commit and devote ourselves to our relationship with Christ and not let anything get in the way between that.

Today "living as people of light" just stuck out to me. And its interesting to see it hinted at too in verse 8. I really think we need to continue to grow and live as reflections of Christ. Of his love, grace, and mercy. We cant be flashing lights, sometimes on, sometimes off, we have to be strong radiating lights to the world, to those around us. And we must set an example as representatives of Christ. Its difficult to follow through, but we have to try.