Tumble of Death

Grade 12? You're probably feeling the exact same way. Its mid-May, there's prom coming up, almost all the results from universities are in, we pretty much know where we are going, and it feels like we're trapped birds that have almost broken loose. So easy to just give up now, and just start to enjoy whats to come.

Im sure we were all reminded of that last semester, i remember being told to stick it out until the end, and i totally thought to myself, "no, i won't get that, I'm a hard working student right? this won't affect me." But nope, it is getting to me, big time. There are certain courses where technically i don't need anymore, could just give up and let it slide, but i still have a few strings holding me back from that, but it feels like each day that passes, another string snaps, and its only a matter of time before I'm free.

We can't. We can't give up. As easy as it feels. I think we can all feel like this sometimes in our walk with Christ, that we feel like we can just give up. We've worked so hard, and we're near the end, that we can just let it slip and start to enjoy it earlier. But we have to stick it through. There's literally a month left until exams come around, and if we're still in this slacking mode, how are we going to pick it up for exams? Its easy to fall, and harder to climb back up.

Im praying that God gives me the strength to continue, to not fully give up, to continue to work hard, and stick it out until June 19th. Can you pull through? Will you fall into temptation or will you trudge through? God calls us not to be lazy, to set a good example and work hard. Lets keep it up for the next month!

A sluggard’s appetite is never filled,     but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.

Proverbs 13:4 

⁴

change is coming.

Watching Glee tonight, it's extremely relevant at the moment because the kids at McKindly High are graduating, and they're basically going through the phase at the same time as us. As they await their university responses, as they plan and start to prepare to move out, as they say their final goodbyes and go their separate ways. Tonight's episode really helped me realize the change that was coming and how unprepared I was.

I felt like I am somewhat prepared. I know where i want to go next year, and I'm excited to move out. Like I said in previous posts, all the academic portions I'm prepared and ready to go with, but with friends, family, relationships and people, I'm not ready to say my final goodbyes. I can't help but to think of what the last moment with the people of this stage of life will be like. What will happen our last time, everyone together. I cannot bear to think of how life will be like in a new environment with new people.

Although these people aren't completely gone and cut from my life, but its very probably that certain people will fade, and only the true friends will remain. Who? Maybe people I want, maybe people that will surprise me. Whether or not i like it, this change is coming.

God has a plan. This is something that is very reassuring for me. That he has a perfect and better plan already being incorporated. But as excited I am to see it, and watch it unravel, i know that parts of it do not consist of what I want. For instance, this specific friend, or this particular situation. So I'm scared, while at the same time I'm excited.

What I can do now, is live in the moment and truly treasure all God has blessed me with here and now and continue to move forward from there. The change is coming, most possibly faster than i want.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Jeremiah 29:11 

nothing to something.

Ever since planning SNA this year for December, the message we were conveying really stuck in my head. The overarching message was that everything is meaningless. Everything fades, from relationships to materialistic things, that all things will fail us and that we are putting our hope in the wrong things. We should put our faith and hope in Lord Jesus Christ because he lives, and he's promised to love us back, unconditionally and eternally. We should put our hope in something worth putting our hope into. Knowing God will never fail and will never fade assures us that this is the right choice.

After thinking that through, i keep thinking, why are we doing this then? Whats the point, of getting these academics, going to university, getting that degree that'll fade, working to have a career, why can't we just give up on this?

I said that during our devotions last night at AGAPE and my counsellor gave me an answer that really got me thinking and really answered my question. He started with a story. Saying that one time on the street a friend said to another, "how can i help this homeless man?", and the friend responded with nothing at the moment, but you can work hard, study hard until you have a position of influence to then help this man.

I think this whole time i've just been thinking about myself. Where does all this take me, how will it benefit me. But from what i got out of it, its completely different. God gave us talents and gifts and passions, for instance, mine is Wildlife Biology, and he's also given us opportunities and privileges, if you can read this, you have internet, and if you're going to university, you are a part of 2% of the richest people in the world. God's granted us education, and its with this, the passion, the opportunities for us to work hard to help others. Not so you can get a good job a good pay a good car and a good house, but to be in a position of influence to help others.

¹¹For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Road to Calvary (VI)

About to do my devotions today, i realized i forgot to leave a passage here, in between the crucifixion and the resurrection, but i think that i'll use this post to really take some time to think about how God has worked in my life and how i've seen his love displayed.

The past little while has been rather rough. I've said in a previous post that i feel like my WORLD life (meaning academics, university and all) is okay. Im not worried about that, about marks and I'm not stressed about work either. But on the flip side, MY WORLD (meaning friends, relationships, has been quite a mess). The past year i've been able to open up more and share with others about my problems, and i've been blessed to have a few special people in my life whom i can trust, whom i can talk to and be completely honest with without hesitation. I cannot thank them enough. I truly believe that God placed them in my life to help me with this time of struggle and i can say that its through them that i see God's awesome love.

Its because of God's love that I'm here today.

Its because of God's love that I'm still standing.

Its because of God's love that i have hope, a reason to live on and to fight.

Death. I've been thinking about that quite a bit lately. Thinking about how easy it would be to take my life, and then all the problems would disappear immediately. But yet i haven't. Its easy to just walk out into the street and get hit, its easy to step off the balcony and fall, but yet I'm still here, still standing and still fighting. How am i getting through? By remembering the eternal things. God has promised us a spot in heaven if we believe. He has promised us a new life of happiness, of joy, without pain, without suffering, forever. Keep your eyes on this, and keep pushing through. Yes, life will throw you the dumps, Satan will lure and entice you, trying to trip you up, but with Christ, you've been saved. If you have believed, confessed and repented, you have ALREADY been saved. Your spot is secure! Thats the greatest hope!

God sent his son to die for you and for me. Jesus, was born in a manger, lived as a carpenter, walked on this earth, endured and faced every trial, every pain, and every temptation by the devil and stood firm, did not give up, and committed until the very end, until "it is finished". May we follow his footsteps and learn to do the same.

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

endurance!

Everyone has their bad days. Today just so happened to be mine. I felt like the day was going to be okay, but as time passed, things just seemed to get worse. Hearing about 10238 summatives to be scheduled in one week, just that mood of not wanting to work grow, slipping into the traps of the Devil.

Im so glad that i have support and people checking up on me. Its the greatest feeling. I was able to email one of my great friends who i can put my trust in. Just simply having people to vent to and someone to listen is quite the relief.

Endurance. Life was never promised to be an easy breeze. Each and everyday we have to push ourselves forward. Some days may pass easier than others, but life is life. There will be problems, there will be mistakes, there will be flaws, mistakes and struggles, but we must endure.

2 Timothy 4 talks about running this race, this enduring race. It never ends. We are in a constant lifelong battle with the devil. Like it says "⁷ I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful." Can you say that this reigns true in your life and will continue to do so?

We will all slip up. Its okay. But we must repent, turn back to God knowing he's already waiting for you with open arms, in overflowing love for you. Confess and you will be forgiven.

Although my day was messy and thrown around, God has new mercies on us each day, and I promise that i will not fall behind, and will keep running this race until the end for my Lord my God has gave up his son for me. Im grateful and blessed.

1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. ² We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.

Hebrews 12:1-2

My World vs The World

"a very personal reflection"

Over the break, rotting away, i've gotten to chance to really think about what im going through. I feel like my life is a mess. Not in an obvious way though, but on the inside, a tornado has torn through and everything is everywhere. Doubt has flooded in and negativity radiates in my mind. Things still feel like they're up in the air, im not sure what to make of it, how much of it is true and how much of it is my mind playing tricks on me. Everything's just a big mess.

Thinking more each day, today i came to this conclusion. My World vs The World.

The World. By saying this, i mean the standards of this world. I guess more towards the academic/future world. Im not trying to boast or anything, just be clear of that. Personally, i havent felt stressed about the entire university thing. I feel very calm, prepared, and im ready for God to guide me wherever he desires. I've always wanted to follow him, but sometimes i can never tell where he wants me to be. The university dilemma, i've always thought, if you make it, you make it. If you dont make it, you dont. I feel like my marks are fine, and will get me where i want to go and i already have gotten offers. I think this is THE WORLD. The things "The World" worries about and cares about. And i feel like i've got that down.

My World. This is in reference to inside, my inner self. From social/physical/emotional side of things. You may or may not have noticed, but loneliness is one of the biggest things i struggle with i think one can say. There are so many things that im dealing with that i want to get rid of, and i want to discover the roots and really destroy it from there instead of the surface pains. From loneliness sprouted the missing sense of feeling good about myself, and about life, from that grew the urge to feel good, which blossomed into temporary satisfaction and sins. The chain continues, as doubt/guilt/anxiety fill in the gaping holes and to be honest im a bit scared of where this may/can lead to. Depression? Suicidal thoughts (but i dont think i have to guts to even attempt that)?

Solution? I honestly dont know. Thinking about all this stuff, from simple things, seeing people together and seeing myself alone, I've been thinking, what is worth living for? If the things of this world is going to fade and deteriorate, why are we still living? Whats the point of all this. Being able to vent out to someone is the best, and im happy i have a PINCH of these people. Talking to him reminded me of so many things. Living for God. He should be enough to live for. And although, yes that is the answer, but sadly i feel like my faith isnt strong enough to say that yet. I feel like many people see me as the mature spiritual one, but when i reflect on it, i dont think im anywhere near spiritual maturity.

So what is the answer? First off, another reminder from the same friend. We're in the midst of Teens Conference at the moment, and he talked to me about their bible study on Hosea. It talked about Hosea and Gomer (who was a prostitute). Throughout the entire passage, Gomer was constantly being unfaithful to Hosea, and long story short, Gomer represents us as Christians and Hosea represents Christ. We are CONSTANTLY going against Christ yet he is still committed to us, continues to love and forgive us. No matter who we are, what we do, God forever loves us. This boggles my mind that God is so willing to care for us and i've even thought, "why is he so stupid for not leaving me. i've done so many things to hurt him and he's just standing there just readying himself to get hurt again". But God is good. All the time.

So we got that down. God forever loves and forgives us when we are unfaithful. But now what? How will this rid of my loneliness, doubt, guilt, and pain? Again, we always point towards the Word. Are you indulging in it everyday? Are you truly spending time with our Saviour? And i confess and admit. No. Im not. And i need to be and should be. But I honestly can say, i dont have the motivation. Why? Im not sure. Why do i allow other things, tv shows, homework, scholarships, overpower and allow devotions and scripture reading to be pushed aside? I need a push. Still a weak Christian, i have lots to learn. I need to fully realize this and i need to put it into action.

Lastly (for now), accountability. I have this with a few people, my pastor who is also my mentor, a close friend or two are there to support me and get me through these rough times. I think i got this down. But if you're reading this and you're going through something, tell someone. A brother and sister in Christ who is spiritually mature and whom you can trust. Accountability is so important. I remember when i first started, i kept telling myself, i can do this with God. All things are possible with Christ right? That is true, but i MYSELF cannot overcome it and be victorious. That's why we are a church and are a family. We are there to support each other. That's why there is fellowship, that's why there is accountability and support, that's why God made other people, for support, love and encouragement. Find that person for you!

More solutions? Im unsure of at the moment. I'll stop here. My process is still going, im still thinking, still reflecting. But at this moment, i can say im at a lower point in life. Feeling lost, sad, alone, and in a blur.

verse of the day: Proverbs 3:5-8

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
⁶ In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
⁷ Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
⁸ It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones.

Why Not With God?

This thought just popped into my mind.

Today i found was one of the most productive days i've EVER had academically, how much was good and will stay in my mind? i have no clue, but i was able to study 3/4 of my math course, and i completely my first round of studies. I couldnt believe it. I was blasting music, singing along, but i was surprised i wasnt tempted to check twitter, facebook, i wasnt even tempted to have breaks. Even times when i said "you deserve a break", i wouldnt, i was totally in the zone and the momentum contuinued to carry. Working from 11am - 8pm (with breaks of course, lunch and dinner, and my... occasional get up, dance and sing moments), it was extremely efficient and im so proud of myself.

But now sitting down, thinking about what to post, a question popped into my mind, why dont we spend this much time and put this much effort into our relationship with God? Why cant we do this with God? Is it cause we're not being marked? Because it doesnt impact our near-future? Because it's "old" and "boring"? Because we cant see Him? What's stopping us from spending a day with God, whether it be studying his word, or communicating through prayer? What is this barrier that is hindering us from doing this?

Quickly reflecting upon it right now, i actually dont know. I cant figure out why i am not able to do this with Christ? Im thinking maybe because its boring? The bible isnt fully placed in today's context, but there are so many things in there that we can learn from and need to understand. Maybe its because it happened so long ago? I know i struggle with this. Yes i know God died for me, but that +2000 years ago. It just doesnt fully feel relevant to me, like i dont feel the connection because it was just so long ago. I dont feel like i dont fully know God like how i know a friend, but that's partially my fault for not taking the time to know Him.

Think about it, what's really stopping you from doing that? Its kind of mind boggling, that we're able and willing and will even force ourselves to sit down and practice graphing squiggles on paper, and learn about how enzymes in our body's work, but not sit down and communicate with the Father, the Creator, the One that sent His Son down to earth to die for us?

just a thought.

Priorities.

With all of us in the midst of exams, i think we've all been caught up studying and studying and studying. I have to say that i have put God a bit behind, for instance, devos are things i'd leave off till later, and just everything spiritually seems to be falling apart. They're attached, but falling apart.

Like today, i've been studying since 3:30, till 10:30 (with breaks of course), but its just been study study study. Im happy and impressed that im so focused, but may we remember that we cant let it get the best of us. I think at the moment, its okay, since its just this time period, but if you're one of those people who are crazy about their marks and academics, or even more than that, if you're materialistic or prideful, take some time to reflect on your priorities, and see if its an idol. It gets bad when you put it ahead of God and ahead of things that really matter.

Learn to balance it out. Yes, studies are important, but dont let them over take what should be and is more important.